Thoughts on a Miscarriage

–This is a Guest Post Written by My Sister–

I have been trying to think of how to explain what I feel, how empty I am. It took a long while and then one day, lying awake, it came to me.

I want you to imagine how much time you spend each day thinking about your child. I want all parents to consider how many times throughout the day they are focused completely on their children. I want you all to think about how much you love them. I want you to imagine how much space they occupy in your mind and in your heart.

That.

That is the size of the hole in my life.

I am a woman, nearly forty, who has just had my second miscarriage. I have no children.

These seem to me to be the only pertinent facts of my life. My childlessness is my major preoccupation. Each morning I wake, still not pregnant. Each night it is my emptiness with which I curl up to sleep.

My time is spent calculating the mathematics of envy. I resent everyone. There is no algorithm where I do not come up wanting. So, I live in a world where everyone I see seems to have it better than I do. A teen mom with twin newborns? Hate her. Even another woman, one who already has children, who also had a miscarriage? She got greedy. I practice the equation of self-pity.

Plug in the only pertinent factors: Nearly forty. Two miscarriages. Zero children.

I hear moms complain of lack of sleep, diapers and exasperation. I see their posts on Facebook about walls covered in pen, broken crockery, too many viewings of Frozen.

I crave these things in an almost physical way. I weep in my car for all my sleep, all my freedom.

Everything I do, everything I am, everything I have accomplished, it all seems so small. My life shrinks in magnitude beside the life I cannot seem to have.

Proportionately, I have become less myself.

I no longer write my blog. I have gone back to smoking. I have lost my sense of humor.

Most significantly, I no longer want the company of my friends. I dodge their calls as though they were creditors. I avoid their well-meaning questions. What do I have to say to these people any more? I am too preoccupied by the differences between us. I have become a concrete representation of a past they have left behind. I am that from which they have already moved on. I am less than a memory.

I am a skin without a snake.
Other guest posts written by my sister about her journey with miscarriage and infertility: Hope In Moderation: My Experience with Fertility Doctors and Living Beyond Infertility 

5 thoughts on “Thoughts on a Miscarriage

  1. It’s hard to “like” this post. Thank you for writing something that helps me understand a pain that I can’t imagine and that reminds my selfish heart of how good I have it. Thank you for being honest. I pray for easement of your pain. My heart aches for you, sister.

  2. It is hard to “like” this post as ashleylecompte mentioned….my heart aches for you and my prayer is that The Father can bring some healing to your hurt. I have been reminded to be more mindful of others’ pain.

  3. Tell your sister Im sorry …Tell your sister that EVEN with a daughter from a previous relationship, 2 miscarriages, 7 weeks a part the 2nd being ectopic and taking my right fallopian tube with it, I understand her pain.
    Its hard …the grass always seems greener and the journey feels ever so lonely… tell her its ok to feel sad, upset and angry …but tell her it gets better

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