The 5 Most Important Rules for Toddlers

Most Important Rules for Toddlers

1. Clothing is your greatest enemy.

Whatever you do – do not allow your parents to dress you! You must refuse and you must resist. Do not take this responsibility lightly. Your own body is your best defense: arch your back, flip over, and run away. Your teeth and fingernails are your weapons. Use them wisely and use them often. Continue reading “The 5 Most Important Rules for Toddlers”

12 Funny Tricks Babies Play on Their Parents

Babies look so sweet and innocent. We parents often stare at them and wonder what it is they dream about when they close their eyes and what they think about when they stare at their mobiles. The truth is that babies actually have a lot more going on than we might assume. They are plotting and planning. You think that smile that you saw cross your newborn’s face was just gas? Think again. Continue reading “12 Funny Tricks Babies Play on Their Parents”

A Letter From the Family Dog (Guest Post by My Husband Will Eberle)

Dear family,

Fuck you.  Truly.

Remember, before you brought those feeble, pink, fur-less puppies home, when you used to care if I lived or died?  Yeah, me too. Continue reading “A Letter From the Family Dog (Guest Post by My Husband Will Eberle)”

A Letter From the Family Dog (Guest Post by My Husband Will Eberle)

A Letter From the Family Dog

Dear family,

Fuck you.  Truly.

Remember, before you brought those feeble, pink, fur-less puppies home, when you used to care if I lived or died?  Yeah, me too.

Nevertheless, I’m still here, patiently waiting for you to regain your senses and rekindle the relationship we once had.

Currently I’m literally drowning in my own fat, a once regal, now morbidly obese canine long of tooth and nail struggling to get off the couch, desperate for just one minuscule scrap of attention.  You used to stand on opposite sides of a field and hit tennis balls for me for hours. I’d gallop across the alfalfa like a Prometheus Proto-dog, glistening in the sunshine like an Egyptian god-dog emblazoned in hand-ground pigment for all time on the side of some Pharaoh’s sarcophagus.

Now I’m the thing you trip over on the way to finding your Crocs. You used to buy me raw chicken and lovingly Saran Wrap individual portions to be frozen and triumphantly presented to me each day like flutes of champagne at the Carnivàle. Now you fling a hideous glop of dry kibble in my general direction every night before flossing your teeth. Would that I was the floss in your treacherous fingers, at least then I’d feel your warm touch just once again upon my fur.

Do you remember when we used to go canoe camping together?  I’d ride in the prow like a Viking pillager, steadfastly keeping lookout for the first spit of land, the rich timbre of my bark peeling of the mountains when we found a likely cove?

Now I’m lucky if you notice me barking when you’re stepping on my tail.

I. Literally. Can’t. Even.

Let’s get a few things straight. Those new puppies you got? They’re shitty dogs. They have no teeth or claws to speak of, and they don’t even have the decency to kick dirt upon their feces, no they have the audacity to make you handle it and wipe their neither regions with dampened clothes. How absolutely vile.  Can we talk about their protection skills for a minute? Unless you’re looking for someone to protect a warm bottle of milk you’d be better off with a banana slug if intruders visited the home place at night.

I can crunch through chicken bones; I wouldn’t know who to put my money on in a fair fight between them and a graham cracker. I can swim across a reservoir; those pathetic displays can barely survive a sink bath.  It disgusts me.

But it wasn’t always like this. We used to have something truly special. Oh how I remember the delicious jangle of my leash, the brisk wind whipping through the open door, your joyous whistle. I’d bound to the stoop, your beloved and trusted companion, and we would cover miles of terrain like visiting dignitaries inspecting the estate of a great and noble host.

Life was simple. We were happy. All I needed was you, and all you needed was me. Or so I thought.

Now all that I inspect is the floor of the breakfast nook, the site of my daily debasement, where I’ve taken to groveling beneath the “high chair” of the one you have crowned, and christened “baby.”

How I despise this “baby.”  Would that she too knew the dirty oaken boards of you floor, would that her knees became accustomed to its knots, as she waited hour after accursed hour for just one morsel of pre-chewed food to drop. Would, that just once her precious dampened cloth failed to come to her aid, and she was made to live with the natural consequences of her deprivations after soiling our once lovely den.

I pray that you will come to your senses, my old, dear, friends –  my “family.”  I pray that the fog will rise from your once mighty brains, the shroud will be lifted from your eyes, and you will remember the noble dog before you.

Though it has been years, I entreat you to remember that it is still not too late.

Simply leave the fur-less ones outside –  nature will attend to the rest.  Remove the jars of putrescence vegetable mush from the refrigerator and once again fill its shelves with glorious mounds of Saran-wrapped chicken.  Throw the “diaper bag” in the nearest trash compactor so that nothing might prevent you from easily grasping the leashes and toys of your oldest friend.

We can be great again, you and I.  Just throw the ball.  You can be assured that I will always fetch it.

I leave you now as I found you, wretched and alone.  May the sun and fresh air of days to come remind you of your decency, and your duty.

Sincerely,

Your Dog.

P.S. – I know how much you love that damp cloth, so I left you a little present in the shower.

 

 

 

 

How to Get Your Four-Year-Old to Preschool On Time (A Guest Post by my husband, Will Eberle)

preschool on time

6:00am Lean over in the dark and peak at your phone. Freak out! You only have 30 minutes until it begins…

1 minute later (Actual time- 6:30) Hear that accursed chime – your alarm clock – your daily reminder that your plan to design Lego sets for a living or become a professional bass fisherman didn’t work out and your mix-tape wasn’t fire so you still have to go to work every damn day. Continue reading “How to Get Your Four-Year-Old to Preschool On Time (A Guest Post by my husband, Will Eberle)”

Toddler’s Holiday To-Do List

snowflakes

Some people call the holidays the most wonderful time of the year. But for many of us adults, making the magic happen can just make us feel stressed out. We’re making our shopping lists and checking them twice. We’re planning menus and buying expensive plane tickets. Well rest assured fellow parents; our toddlers have a very busy agenda as well. Our sweet little elves are trying to accomplish a lot this holiday season.

Here is your toddler’s official holiday to-do list:

1. Play hide-n-seek in a store that is packed to the gills with last minute shoppers.  A super awesome trick is to disappear into the middle of a clothes rack and watch your parent frantically search for you.

2. Have a meltdown when you’re only allowed to open one door per day on the advent calendar. Repeat for all of December.

3. Insist on lighting the candles on the Hanukkah menorah all by yourself. While you are holding the flame, don’t squander this prime opportunity to attempt to light everything else on fire other than the candles.

4. Eat tinsel, mistletoe, raw cranberries, and pine needles.

5. Get hopelessly stuck in a snow bank. Holler as though you might be dying or being abused. It keeps the neighborhood interesting.

6. Pee in your snowsuit.

7. Take off your boots and socks every time you are in your car seat for more than five minutes.

8. Make your legs into limp noodles whenever someone attempts to put the boots back on.

9. Insist on putting your boots on all by yourself. Take approximately two hours to accomplish this task. End up putting them on the wrong feet. Insist that they are actually on the right feet and that feel completely fine.

10. Whenever it’s necessary to go past the Christmas tree, make sure you sideswipe the entire thing. The jingling sound of the ornaments all crashing together is a wonderful noise.

11. Throw a tantrum at least once per day because you really, really, REALLY need to open a present. Try to open at least one present every time your parents dare to take their eyes off of you.

12. When at a party: touch every cookie on the plate before making your selection. Always put your finger in a cake or pie.  And most importantly, never miss an opportunity to take a bite out of a slice of cheese or carrot stick and then sneak it back onto the snack tray.

Parenting: at least it’s never boring!
Happy Holidays!!!

11 Little-Known Symptoms of Pregnancy

You Might Be Pregnant If...

Do you think you could be pregnant? Or are you thinking about doing that whole baby thing sometime in the near future? You could take one of those extremely accurate home pregnancy tests, or just refer to this trusty little list. It’s super reliable! If you have one or more of these symptoms, get ready! You could be expecting… Continue reading “11 Little-Known Symptoms of Pregnancy”

Toddlers Are Gross

Toddlers Are GrossA few minutes ago, Wolfy walked up to me and licked me on the arm for no apparent reason. Where did he get the idea that this was okay? I don’t go around licking my friends and family. And I’m almost certain that my husband doesn’t do that kind of thing either. Yet when I ask my two year old son, Wolfy, any of these completely reasonable questions and all I get in response is a blank stare.

Toddlers are gross. It just seems to come naturally to them.

Continue reading “Toddlers Are Gross”